Raising Creative Children » temper tantrums

Reduce or Eliminate Tantrums

Lorelei — Sat, 22 May 2010 12:00:20 +0000

Young Children Express Frustration with Tantrums

The Count – Down Method

Young children get so engrossed in their activity, that they do not want to quit just because you say so. It doesn’t matter if they’re playing in the sandbox, coloring quietly, or throwing toys all around the room. If they are busy, and you tell them to stop, they are likely to pitch a fit. Depending on their basic temperament, they may merely sulk a bit, or they could wind up on the floor, kicking and screaming. So, how can you teach them that this is not appropriate behavior, without feeling like you’d like to join them on the floor for a tantrum of your own?

One method that works for many parents is the count-down method. This is more of a tantrum-avoidance technique than teaching control, but when it comes to a two- or three-year-old, it can be a real life-saver. Very simply put, you start counting down. But not like you are counting from ten to one to keep your own temper. Rather, you give your child several warnings that his activity is going to be ending soon.

Alerting Your Child That His Activity Will End Soon Can Help Reduce Tantrums

For instance, the child is playing, making a great mess, but it is nearly time for clean-up, lunch, and nap. If you just tell him to pick up, you can be certain he’s going to balk. Instead, you announce, when you are certain he is looking at you and hears you, that he has five more minutes before clean up time. Then, after a bit of time, you tell him he has four more minutes, then three more minutes, etc, until it is clean-up time. He still might try to argue, but he won’t be as out-of-control as he would be if you just announced clean-up in the middle of his fun.

Young children don’t understand time. When you tell him he has five more minutes, it doesn’t really matter if you give him five minutes, two minutes, or fifteen minutes. You don’t need to set a timer, unless you really only have five minutes to allow him. What you are doing, is giving him clues, alerting him to the schedule, and allowing him time to prepare for the next event.

With the Count-down Method, the Young Child Can Leave the Playground Willingly

I use this at the children’s library with a lot of success. Our children’s library has a lot of toys. Young moms love to meet there, to let their preschoolers and toddlers interact, while they visit quietly. It has house-keeping toys, puzzles, blocks, trucks, trains, play food, a plastic house, and much more, besides shelves of books, and also a sturdy computer with a child’s sized keyboard and mouse. My granddaughter loves to go there, and used to throw a tantrum when it was time to go. Now, I let her know that she has five more minutes, and then we’ll be leaving. When the count-down has ended, she picks up the toys she was playing with so the librarian will reward her with a sticker, and she races me to the elevator so she can push the buttons. She knows we’ll be back next week. No more tantrums in the library.

I use this technique at nap time, too. I lay down with her on my big, queen-sized bed. She has several books, and I take a romance novel. I read two books to her, then I let her look at her books, while I read. After a few minutes, I give her the five minute count-down, then we both put up our books. She rarely cries at nap time now. She usually hands me her books, rolls over and goes to sleep. Sometimes I may have to rub her back for a bit, but naptimes are not the major battles we once had.

You can use this technique when it’s almost time to leave McDonald’s playland, or time to finish eating supper if your child is a food dawdler. You can count-down when it’s nearly time to leave the sandbox, to take a bath, to go anywhere, to leave anywhere – any time your child needs to transition from one activity to the next.

After you have used this technique for a year, your child may actually be ready to learn to tell time. Then you can reward him with his own watch, and let him tell you when his five minutes are up! By then, hopefully, his tantrums will long have disappeared.

Other Resources:
The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums
Raising Your Spirited Child, revised edition
Ten Days to a Less Defiant Child, the Breakthrough Program

Photo Credits:
Tantrum:http://www.flickr.com/photos/citril/ / CC BY 2.0
Naptime Smile:http://www.flickr.com/photos/carbonnyc/ / CC BY 2.0
Swinging:http://www.flickr.com/photos/phild41/ / CC BY 2.0

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Raising a Demon Child

Lorelei — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 23:38:21 +0000

Young Children Can Be Exhausting, Demanding, and Sometimes May Try the Patience of Saints

The first time I heard a parent use this expression, I laughed. I’m sorry, but visions of O’Henry’s “The Ransom of Red Chief” crossed my mind, and that is a very funny story. Unfortunately, the anger and frustration behind the words are anything but amusing. We read about mothers who hurt their children, or murder their children, and wonder how such horrible things can happen, yet we do not respond to the subtle cries for help all around us. So this post will attempt to alert those of us who are managing okay to those of us who may be struggling, and also to point those who are struggling to sources for help. And even if we are managing, we can always improve the way we deal with our children.

What is a Demon Child?

Horror movies aside, parents who may give this demeaning moniker to their youngster probably are struggling with various behavior issues. The child throws violent temper tantrums. The child may hit, bite, scratch, yell, or throw things. The child exhibits explosive behavior, going from complacency to catastrophe in sixty seconds or less. The child may resist nap time, bed time, meal time, bath time, and time to get dressed. In fact, the moments of inappropriate behavior far outweigh the loving moments, and the parent is thoroughly lost and frustrated.

This is a home on the edge of disaster. However, it is not hopeless!

Mealtimes Can Be Unpleasant for the Parent Engaged in a Battle of Wills With the Child

First off, this parent needs a break. If this scenario sounds like you, then you desperately need to find some way to get away from the situation for a week or more, to regain your equilibrium. Does your child (children) have a grandparent who could step in and babysit? Will your budget allow you to hire someone? At the very least, can you find a drop-in day care to watch your child while you heal? You need rest, because the way to “fix” your demon child will require hard work on your part.

Some children just are more difficult to raise. They are more demanding, more loving, more energetic, more annoying, more physical, more emotional, more spirited than their peers. The one word that sums them up best is “more”. They aren’t really different from other children their age, just more so! A generation ago, we used to call these children “brats”. That’s not really very helpful. I remember thinking that all they needed was a stern parent with established boundaries and perhaps a spanking to get their attention. Then along came my grandchild, and discovered that spanking her does not work. Time outs don’t work. Taking away toys or privileges do not work. She can be utterly delightful and charming one moment, and then you’re ready to pull your hair out the next, except she’s quite willing to pull your hair out for you.

I’m reading two books that I am finding very helpful. The first is “Raising Your Spirited Child – a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The title pretty much says it all. Run out to your nearest book store and buy a copy – don’t get it from the library. If this sounds like your child, you’re going to want to keep this book handy and refer to it often.

The second has the misleading title of “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline – the 7 basic skills for turning conflict into cooperation” by Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D. I did get this one from the library, but I’m going out tomorrow to buy my own copy. It’s another one that I need to keep on my shelf. The information inside is so simple, yet mind-blowing, because I’ve never looked at the situation quite like this before.

Basically, the author tells us that all the methods of disciplining children we’ve learned in the past do not work, because they do not build love and unity. Punishment and rewards teach our children that they are somehow lacking, they are not good enough as they are and they need to change. We use fear to motivate them. A better method of guiding children’s behavior is to build love and unity. To teach them the skills they need to relate to the world around them and to lead them to willingly cooperate, rather than create conflict.

Young Children, Though Ego-Centric by Nature, Can Be Caring and Compassionate

Finally, we need to step back and take a look at ourselves. Children are mirrors. They model our behavior. They will always do what we do, regardless of what we say. So if your child has a short fuse and exhibits explosive behaviors, where do you think he learned it from? What do you do when someone cuts you off in traffic? How do you treat someone who shouts at you, who hurts you? How to you treat strangers, friends, siblings, and your in-laws?

If you swear, your child will swear. If you drink or smoke, your child will drink and smoke. If you lie, your child will learn that telling lies is acceptable behavior. If you lie to your child, you will also break trust with him. If you call him names, he will call you names. So never call you child “a demon child” again. Stop, and think about what you are teaching him.

If you want your child to be more loving, then love him more. If you want her to get along well with others, then you must be kind to others. If you want her to share, then you must share of your time, your talent, and your treasure. If you want her to learn self-control, then you must first learn it. Do not waste time wallowing in guilt for past mistakes. Do not look to lay blame, and say that you are only parenting the way your parents did. You have a head on your shoulders, and the will to want to be better – or you wouldn’t be reading blogs online! Blame and guilt are counter-productive. Read, think, learn, model, pray, and relax. Love yourself! Even one of the two most powerful commandments in the Bible – “love thy neighbor as thyself” – assumes that you do, indeed, love yourself!

For more specific directions on dealing with inappropriate behavior, pick up a copy of Bailey’s book and pour through it. Your life will never be the same again.

If you need immediate help:

Postpartum Support International
Parents Without Partners
Crisis Counseling

Great Books on Parenting Difficult Children:
Raising Your Spirited Child
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
Ten Days to a Less Defiant Child

Photo Credits:
Top: photo by Ryan Boran
Middle: photo by Emilliano
Bottom: photo by Bryan Brenneman

In Praise of Pacifiers

Lorelei — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:00:10 +0000

Pacifiers Come in Many Colors, Shapes and Designs

My baby sister was about two years old when my mom took her to see a doctor. Lennore was a pretty baby, with curly dark locks and eyes so brown you couldn’t see the pupil. The doctor sniffed disdainfully, and told mom to “take that thing out of her mouth”. Mom did. Lennore screamed with lungs worthy of an opera performance. The doctor shook his head and told her to go ahead and put it back in.

Pacifiers Do Not Cause Crooked Teeth

Nowadays pacifiers are usually made out of silicone, since so many children are developing allergies to latex. Most pacifiers are “orthodontically” shaped, even if they don’t have the ADA (American Dental Assosciation) label on them. You can buy them in a variety of colors, to coordinate them with your child’s wardrobe. You can even find pacifiers for various holidays and special occasions, or get them stamped with your child’s name or a cute saying, such as “mute button”. But are they good, or bad for you child?

The old belief that pacifiers will cause crooked teeth is not really true. Maybe the old-style ones that were round and shaped more like a breast nipple might have, but genetics and other factors play an important role in whether your child will one day need braces on his teeth. Just the fact that you can buy a pacifier with an ADA stamp on it should be somewhat reassuring.

Pacifier Use May Prevent SIDS in First Six Months

Now there is research to suggest that pacifier use may actually help prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome!
You can read this article if you want the word straight from the Pediatricics Researchers mouth – but skip all the way through the technical jargon down to the bottom of the article, where it says “conclusion”. There is a significant reduction of SIDS in infants who use a pacifier. The article suggests offering a pacifier to the infant for naps and bedtime, up through one year of age.

A Pacifier and Mommy's Arms Can Be Very Comforting

Of course, pacifiers can help fussy babies get to sleep – that’s reason we buy them in the first place. But then we start offering our infants a pacifier any time they fuss, whether or not we want them to go to sleep. It used to drive me nuts to see a mom or dad shoving a pacifier back into a child’s mouth every time the child spit it out. I felt like they were mis-using the tool, delaying their child’s speech, and not dealing with the root issue – the child’s unbalanced state of being, or the reason why the child is fussy in the first place. Well, I sing a different song these days!

My granddaughter is nearly two and a half years old, and still has temper tantrums. They are not as explosive as they used to be. Her mother and I have been working hard to help her develop the language skills she needs to be able to express herself before frustration pushes her over the edge into total meltdown. She has a set routine to her day – when to eat, when to sleep, and even when we take her to the bathroom. She goes down for nap pretty well, and rarely cries at that time. But you just never know when something is going to set her off. She is very strong-willed. She wants what she wants, and she does not like to hear the word “no”.

But tantrums aside, my daughter and I both noticed that she suddenly seems to crave anything baby. She wants to be rocked. She wants her cup with a sippy lid on it again, although she is perfectly capable of drinking from a glass. She started laying down, like she wanted us to put her underwear on her as though we were diapering her. And she wants to be carried everywhere. The more we tried to force her to grow up, (Big girls don’t need sippy lids. Big girls don’t need to lie down to pull on their underwear.) the more she fought us. My daughter struggles with feelings of inadequacy anyway, but having a two-year-old revert to previous baby ways even though there is NOT another baby on the horizon was something neither of us has ever encountered before.

One day I suggested to my daughter that she have a “baby day”. It was her day off, anyway. I said she could tell her daughter that that day she could have a lid on her cup, and a pacifier at nap time. She got lots of cuddling and babying, but that when the day was over, then she could be a big girl again. Well, it worked. Sort of. That day was very nice. My granddaughter didn’t go in to meltdown, and my daughter enjoyed some special bonding time. But the next day nothing had changed. Kay Lee still wasn’t ready to be a big girl.

And I did something so totally out of character for me. I told my daughter to go ahead and give her back the pacifier.

Kay Lee how has about a dozen of them in varying colors, shapes, and sizes. She keeps one under her pillow for bedtime. There is one in the silverware drawer at Grandma’s House (Me) that she can help herself to when she needs it. We have one in each car, and in our purses. My granddaughter has given up all her other baby behaviors except this need to suck. She seems happier. I know I am. And I apologize to all those parents in the past, of whom I silently – but inappropriately – disapproved.

Pacifiers Can Become Security Tools, Just Like Baby Blankies and Favorite Toys

Pacifiers will probably always be an issue of heated debate, much like anything else surrounding the rearing of children, but whether your child uses one or not should be a matter only between you, your spouse, and your child.

For further reading, check out:
Why Two Year Olds Have Tantrums,
Children in Church,
and Feeding the Finicky Eater.

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Photo Credits
Top: photo by ff137
Middle: photo by Sylvar
bottom: photo by sovgunga